i love both you and the german language way too much
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Sonntag, August 31, 2003
mein poni kommt (mein poni kommt)
aus Island her (aus Island her)
aus dem rauem land (aus dem rauem land)
weit uber den mer (weit uber den mer)
wo der schnee sturm heult (wo der schnee sturm heult)
den ganzen tag (den ganzen tag)
und in der nacht (und in der nacht)
die ka(e)lte kracht (die ka(e)lte kracht)
10:30 PM
I also bit my nails, by the way. Did it in homeroom on the first day of school. stop trying to hide the fact that you care; I can see right through your act. I could totally go for some komm gib mir deine hand action by der tilo right now. that would suit my mood just perfectly. *sigh* I could play the mp3, but the beatles have crappy german accents, and its just not as goood as tilo.
10:27 PM
I feel like crying. But I don't mean that how I normally would...I mean, I'm not really sad and for some reason not crying, so that instead I feel like crying, even though that's what that first sentence looks like. What I mean is that I kind of want the emotional/mental cleansing thing...I'm still a little bit sad, though that's too strong a word...but mostly I'm just...pensive. And I kind of feel like I would feel more relaxed and clearer of mind if I had a small cry (sigh...I so often typo cty for cry or vice versa...appropriate in a few ways, I guess) though not the kind of wretched overpowering sadness fest you sometimes find...maybe like a really sappy movie cry (you never cared about maggie!!! (don't worry, I wasn't actually affected by that movie (at least I don't think so...rinster?))) I also miss my animals I always used to cry into babar, and I hadn't thought about it for a while but I really would like to have someone/something to cry all over again...if it's a stuffed animal, it's not like you're stifling your sobs in a pillow, it's more like youre getting comfort from somebody, I guess...and I had a really overpowering teddy dream this morning right before I woke up, and I lay in bed for like 20 minutes trying to get over it and I guess I haven't. huh. I wasn't even thinking about my animals until I sat down to write here, and now I am. weirdness. Ich liebe euch. Les amo a Uds.. I love you.
10:24 PM
Samstag, August 30, 2003
*sigh* I'm feeling sad. melancholy, even. I'm thinking about the states of some of my friendships and I kind of want to cry. I'm also wondering how much of what people do to me that hurts/bothers/annoys me I'm doing to other people without realizing it. *sigh* again. I'm not sure whom to talk to about this one, so I'll probably just ponder a little more and be sad. meh.
4:22 PM
So the first two days of school were pretty good, considering that they were school, and I have an altogether positive feeling about this year (as well as a tendency towards sometimes unfounded optimism...). Chem might be a bit of a drag, but I'll just wait and see. at least the tie dyeing should be good. I actually have friends in all my classes, and can sit with them in all but chem, and English seems like it'll be a lot of really fun and stimulating work, so that'll be bueno, if dificil and time-consuming. I need to get back to the poit where spanish words come to mind quickly when I'm addressed in Spanish, though, I seem to have closed off the spanish section of my mind, and any time someone speaks to me in a language other than English, my immediate response is with a german word...very bad. and time trials went well...6:40 at even pace...not at all disappointing. I'm very excited for xc, too...everybody come to our carwash at BP tomorrow, 12-4! If we can beat Ridgefield AND make it to state opens this year I will leap repeatedly for joy. anyway, yeah, this is my current impression of the school year. ojala que el no se empeore. if that's right.
12:08 PM
Dienstag, August 26, 2003
So I just got back from Sids's semi-optional morning extrapractice, and I'm kind of worried about the team. The setup to our current problem goes thus:
At our end-of-last-year cross country meeting, when they handed out medical forms and summer training schedules, Sids made the announcement, for the second year, that there would be (interesting side note I was thinking about on my run today- in spanish 'there would be' would be habra (con accento; I don't know how to make this thing recognize them)? It's haber, which we conjugate (sort of) in the present indicative as hay, always. Well, isn't it curious that Spanish, which usually conjugates stuff up and down, compared to our beloved Englisch, only has one word for 'there is' and 'there are' ? The point is, though, that I think we kind of have it too...or at least we're moving toward an equivalent. This whole randomness came to me because I was thinking in English and said something like, 'Sometimes there's peppers in it, aren't there' and immediately thought '*there are peppers' (not that I think in aim-typing, but I have no other way of showing 'replace with') but, of course, people use there's all the time as a contraction for there are, most likely because who want's to say there're? (If there's any more people around when the tour runs aground...been thinking about that there's too, recently) of course, you can't use it as freely in a sentence as you could hay, but still...I like it. *shrugs* back to the main story, now) a minimum distance for returning team members to run on the first day of practice, essentially to show that they had put in at least SOME training over the summer, and this year he added the threat of being kicked off the team for those who couldn't do the run. Many have complained about this, because Laddie doesn't have a policy like it, and we essentially worship laddie and the boys team (face it, they're nasty). But it IS really annoying when people don't work hard for you like you did for them, and there IS a difference between having 25 girls to draw from and 50 or so boys, and between having a championship-level program which attracts people who want to be part of the glory and get one of the coveted top-nine single seats on the bus and a building team with no particular recent distinction. So that's the decision Sidney made, and he really stuck by it this year. He gave the offenders a last chance to stay on the team, which is to attend these 7 am (6:30 am once school starts) practices (optional for the rest of the team) for five days. The three seniors who were given this decision seemingly decided to leave the team, but the juniors were all (I think) there this morning.
It worries me, because I remember how bad it was two years ago when Emma was de-captained. I wish the seniors had come, because they're really mad now, but long-term I think they'll be sadder to have missed their final culminating season with the team and...I just can't even imaging losing cross country my senior year. Maybe it doesn't mean as much to them, but still...I wonder if it would have helped if the captains had said something to the effect of 'we love you and we really want you to stay on our team, and we know it sucks, but please come to the early practices' Not that it would be good for the team to have three people who absolutely hate the coach around, but I'm afraid of the resentment this is going to build for Sids, especially among the people who were closest to them (by that I basically mean Sam). I kind of hope that they really don't care about xc, even though it makes me sad because we're usually the closest team (at least WE think so), because that's gotta be awful, not to be a senior with your team at homecoming and whatnot...I dunno...I wish Sidney could have given them a second second chance, and I wish they would have accepted the punishment (though he didn't call it that). Of course I shouldn't talk because I'm awful at admitting I'm wrong (only thing I got a 3 in in first grade was 'accepts constructive criticism', no joke). It just must be hard to be them right now. And I don't want a cancer like this consuming our team.
9:53 AM
I've developed a nail filing addiction...please help me. ordinarily I consider nail cair to ential biting them whenever ther'es enough of thm to be bitten, but I've recently become obsessed with maintaining these uniformly-shaped, longish fingernails. I don't even paint ehm, or anything...I just file them every few days. it's rather absurd, though, especially considering my deformed pinkie...it'll be hard to let that one go, cuz it takes many weeks for the short end to grow up to where I can file it even with the top part. wow I am actually describing the growth patterns of my fingernails. hope 'snot too gross...am I the ony one who sees her fingernails as a reminder of the passage of time? they grow quickly enough to be noticedevery two days or so, but not quickly enough to be noticed minute by minute. every time I find myself biting my nails i can feel time either slipping away from me or plodding slowly but determinedly onward, depending on my state of mind at the time. anyway, I need sleep...gotta get up ridiculously early to run.
goodnight moon
goodnight spoon
goodnight man with strange pants in my room
goodnight little brother
goodnight sean's mother
goodnight, my significant other
good night (something)
goodnight sky
goodnight kids who have to remember to take their meds befor proceeding to the ice cream social in murray
and goodnight cty
I think it went something like that...wonder if there's anyone else who still remembers it.
1:26 AM
Montag, August 25, 2003
I'm cold. It's that kind of creep-up-on-you, insidious cold, where the room is just a little colder than you are, or something...or maybe it's just getting colder very slowly, I don't know, but it's like the frog in the water that boils without noticing, or something. I don't notice I'm cold until I'm already at the early stages of finger numbing, and still I sit here not getting anything to warm me because It's so...subtle. i dunno...I'm certain I'm not making sense. I always get coldness like this, though, and refuse to notice or combat it until it sends me into uncontrolable-shivering mayhem, and then it takes hours to feel properly warmed up again. If I knew how to control my climate properly (or had an airconditioner? dont bother me with details...) I could make sure I had slowly been to-the-bone frozen every day before my run, and then the otherwise minimally bearable heat would be welcome...like when you ocme out of a winter concert in middle school and youve been cooped up in the consumer science room with 150 people or on the stage under the lights for nearing three hours and you go out into December in your sleevesless dress and it feels just marvelous. only not like that. that is to say, the converse of that. i see one problem with my new room setup/setuplessness in that I may never go to sleep again, because I have to actively lay out the bed, instead of just laying me down to sleep...not that it's hard or time-consuming, but I find I'm more likely to continue doing nothing than to act-ually/-ively do anything. good thing is itll make me clean my room every night. maybe it will. my ability to NOT clean my room (if anyone who reads this cares about infinitive splitting (unlikely as affen-kreide (that being german for monkey-chalk, so you see how unlikely it would be)) you can...I dunno what you can do...don't kiss my ass, though, that would be rather awkward. kiss erin's shin, maybe, if I can photograph it for the world's first ever shin fetish website. oh baby. ) is quite remarkable. ach I'm still cold. sorry for talking about nothing...hope you didn't see my long entry and think something exciting or meaningful happened to me. what a let-down you'd have been in for. 'oooh, i wonder what's afoot in maggie's life that she has so much to say! oh...OH...so she's COLD, is she?...ahh...well then. that's what you thought. I know it is. well, no, I don't know that. I lied. forgive me. please?
college. hate it. want it. hate it. argh.
I'm still cold. ever-so-slightly colder than I was when last I told you I was cold. I'm tired too. beds are good for sleeping and warming, aren't they? *sigh* goodnight then. I like the way my mind feels inside my skull when I'm cold...I either think more clearly or less so or something. who cares? I guess I do...sort of...anyway, I'm going to have to stop typing eventually, so I guess I'll do so soon. wait for it....waaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiit for it. bye. *throws love-bundles to any who actually read this...and, what the hey, to those who didn't*
1:05 AM
Samstag, August 23, 2003
so i cleaned my room. 'scrazy. I dismantled the bed, got rid of the big cabinet thing, and bought *counts*16 stackable drawers of varying sizes. We'll just have to wait around and see how long this can last, but I know I'm less left with the feeling of pounds of STUFF (dinge, nicht sache) just waiting for me to turn around so it can fall into my space and mess it up again than I often am after a room-'cleaning'. There certainly is a lot of it, though, space...the current setup is cool because it's...fully customizable (my mom told me i was fully functional the other day...what a compliment, no? sweetheart, you are not at all deficient, damaged, or substandard, you fully functional daughter, you.). I just roll up my "bed at the beginning of the day/whenever I need the space for other stuff, and then I can move my nifty fifty folding chairs around to face in whatever direction's convenient, and when sleeping time comes again I can set the blankets out wherever I feel like sleeping. I think it's an arrangement I can live with. *holds thumbs* yeah...I read once that in Germany they hold their thumbs for good luck instead of crossing their fingers...Priya and I used to dig our nails into each other's hands, but that was just childish weirdness/masochism.
11:13 AM
Dienstag, August 12, 2003
I was just reading over nevermore memory book pages from my first year at skidmore, and of course it's making me miss cty as a whole, and skidmore and lancaster as they were, but more keenly it's making me miss the life I never got to finish at skidmore. I'd never change any of what I've done at CTY, but by leaving Saratoga, I lost the chance to mature there...I didn't realize what I was deciding, at the time...it was about what would make my sessions fun, and which traditions I would miss if I changed sites and things like that, but looking back on it, I closed off an enourmous possibility for my life when I came to lancaster...I never got to be a skidmore nevermore...to become a keeper of skidmore traditions, to have the kind of older-student-who-realizes-what-a-gift-each-day-is fun there that I had at lancaster. I'm having trouble putting what I'm feeling into words...it's like I died young...I only ever knew saratoga as a little squirrel, with my self-contained group of friends who stayed in at meet market and hid on the sides of the room during slow dances...I wonder which of my friends from younger days ended up shaping the culture there, what part I would have had in that if I'd stayed, what friends I never got to make, what lessons I never got to learn from that place. the flip side of this is of course wondering what would have happened if I'd taken greek (as I almost did) at lancaster my first year and had gotten a chance to know all of the amazing and nifty lancaster people and traditions two years earlier... I dont really want to think about if I hadn't done either of my pairs of sessions, because I could never give up any of my wondrrful people, but i guess it just makes me sad...that skidmore never had a chance to mean as much to me as it should have? that i never got to ask how long it would take to get to the top of johnson tower? that i'll never see a skidmore passionfruit? that I'll never write a nevermore page, or speak at closing ceremonies or cry the way nevermores do (lancaster people seem to save their tears for home more than skidmorers for some reason) argh I'm really not having any luck understanding/explaining why I'm so sad...it has something to do with my dual citizenship making me not really belong anywhere, though I don't really think thats true. on top of it all i'm now falling into a small cty withdrawal shockwave. why can't I just have everything?
8:55 PM
Samstag, August 09, 2003
*sigh* I'm feeling better this morning...all I have to do now is stop procrastinating all the things that make me happy, and I'll be good. ach, the perversity that is maggie. Erin's home...that makes me happy. I didn't go to Habitat this morning...maybe after I get back from the xc trip I (or we, Rinster??) can start going regularly as an individual. oh, also I've decided that i will never find a college that's going to satisfy me. *sigh* sometimes I wish I were an easier person to be/control/manage the life of. At least I hope there are people who have an easier task in that than i have...'twould suck for humanity if it were comprised solely of people of equal or greater dificil-ness to/than me.
11:38 AM
Freitag, August 08, 2003
oh my God...I feel the way I did right after end of the tour on the last day...like, wave after wave of desperate panic...I'm playing the canon, and even the fast songs are making me sob because crap we had so much fun...how can that be over...I just can't...oh fuck i can't take it...it's like, ten or fifteen seconds of just being really really sad, and then I get overcomw with another wave of the loss of it all, and i just want to scream and wail and...oh i can't even believe it. I'm being pummeled with all of these amazing memories and flashbacks, to dances and lying on the grass, and random moments on the hall and just everything, and singing on johnson tower quad and singing in schnader base and oh fuck i can't describe it and I can't take it. I feel like I'm being melodramatic to think/say this, but I seriously never knew it could be this bad. not just devastatingly painful but violently so. I need a ctyer to materialize into my room so i can hug you and cry on you until it passes. like when it hits me i become imobilized, like i cna't stay in my own body and i can't believe its really happening and all i can do is scream but of course i dont vocally scream because i'm in my howuse and oh here comes nightswimming. I hate being to old to cry loudly and openly and having to sob into my pillow...i remember tricia and stephen and whoever else was around hugging me and sheperding me and...I need people to take care of me, i really do...and i need ctyers for this bc only they get it, or at least i feel that way.
10:32 PM
Donnerstag, August 07, 2003
So I've had another revelation about my frightening and charming self: I am a slave to guitars. Now what, exactly, do I mean by this? We've (some of us) talked about the enourmous effect music can have on mood, yes?...well, though I don't know why, I have noticed that a reasonably-well-played acoustic guitar, along with a decent voice singing almost any sort of simplish song puts me into a complete euphoria, and I just want to bask in the music and the music-producer. Remember Brad Yoder (der Tilo gefaellt mir SEHR!)? If you ever want to win my total blind allegiance, learn how to play the guitar and you shouldn't have any trouble getting it...woah, that sentence scares me, reading it over, because I realize how true it probably is. How am I so unfit to live in, like, the real world? (erm...road hours? what?) yeah...I'm special. That's why I love me so much.
8:29 PM
*sigh* today was good. I'm tired.
2:02 AM
Montag, August 04, 2003
*music* thank heaven for little girls...no, not little girls! harry potter mp3s, silly! thank heaven for harry potter audiobook mp3s!!!
11:09 PM
I was helping out at SCUBA (super cool undersea bible adventure, if you can believe it...) at the church today, and they'd given us name tags on elastic strngs to hang around our necks. The thing didn't remind me at all of a lanyard until I found myself attmepting to throw it over my shoulder to hang backwards (it must have been annoying me in front or something) in the deeply form cty habit...it was weird. Other than that, the camp-thing was good, except for one bit of creepiness in one of the videos they showed the kids...whatever, it seems like little kids won't remember anything unless they've sung it fity times, and nothing actually being taught felt odd or wrong to me. I'm happy. Thirsty, but happy.
1:50 PM
Samstag, August 02, 2003
woah...I slept on my bed last night, it's gotta be, like, a year or so since that's happened...maybe less, I dunno, but It was weird. It wasn't really that much different from sleeping on the floor, except for the constant annoyance of the foot board cramping my legs. maybe I can dismantle it and keep the head- or footboard for nostalgia. argh I need to learn to throw things away, no?
1:41 PM
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